How long can I stand this?

Dear has been going to Ipoh for a month plus...

He did came back during some weekends, 

especially when I have class.

He purposely came back to send and pick me from classes.

Two times he came back,

once his car's front mirror broken when at highway, 

and another once his car broken when his car's temperature reached the hottest.

Yet dear never blame me and still insist to come back.

Very touching?

Yes, I admit all this make me feel that how much dear love me, 

but I still keep angry with him.

I don't know why,

but I hardly to control my emotion.

Sometimes, I feel like I have depression.

Long distance relationship is so hard.

How long can I stand this?

We have been fought so much this few days.

I'm so worry that our relationship won't stand long.

I'm so scare that dear will get sick with my attitude,

my bad temper.

Really miss dear so much...

A lost

1st uncle has passed away.

2 sudden and everybody was shocked.

He looked so healthy all this while. 

It was just about one month ago we celebrated his birthday.

And now he has suddenly leave us.

Really hope this is a dream.

Never come across my mind that he'll leave us so soon.

I thought he will live up to his 90 years old.

And see me marry.

I'm not always talk with him, but he is very well- respected in our family.

He has been the "leader" in our family for such a long time.

Without him, our family seems like a train without the driver.

Hope he will rest in peace.

We will remember and miss him forever...

AGAIN???

Another few days, dear got to go Ipoh again.
Yes, dear got to go to outstation again.
Dear needs to spend 1 month there this time.
I really can't believe that my life turn out like this.
I totally don't feel like doing anything and stick with dear 24hrs/7days.

Finished my practical report,
but still got a lot works to do.
But I just don't feel like doing anything right now.
If can, I just hope that can spend all my time with dear before he goes to Ipoh.
But can I do that?

Still got another 2 days, then school is reopen.
And it's time to back to work.
I really don't have the mood to go back to work anymore.
I'm so useless and irresponsible.
But I really hope to stay beside dear only.

How come suddenly become so belangkai?
How come I become so useless?
NO! NO! NO!!!
Ivy cannot be like this.
Wake up Ivy.
Be tough.
I cannot be beaten so easily...

Time to make decision...

1 week holidays has been passed.

Have to back to work after 3 more days.

My holidays have been contributed to doing report.

Haven't do exam paper and planning for concert dance.

My holidays like nothing.

Luckily not too bad as still can spend the time with dear.

Went to college to hand in my practical report today.

Asked about the degree course.

They cheated me.

They didn't give any scholarship as they promised.

RM26.9k!!!

Where should I get so much of money?

Very angry at first.

But the advantage is I won't bound with any contract.

Nor got to work with them with a certain years after graduate.

But they said I will definitely get a job with at least RM2.2k after I graduate.

Or even more if I work at private school, maybe around RM2.5k.

But this college always cheat me.

Should I believe them again?

Thought of consider other college.

But afraid that my diploma won't be accepted by the other college.

Dear said continue with this college.

If the other college don't recognize my diploma, then i would have to pay more

and need more time to study as I can't exempted from the first year.

Dear also said it's very good if they promised me with a job after i graduate.

No matter how is the college, what we want is a job only after graduate.

Even some said Segi College is not good, but still many of them get a job.

So, what is good or not is not what we can say.

Really depends on the employer.

Really dislike making decision.

I'm not a good decision maker.

I rather people tell me what to do and I just follow.

I always make the wrong decision instead.

The orientation will be this Saturday.

I should make up my mind by this few days.

So, what should I do now?

My holidays...

Finally, holidays are here.

Has spent few days together with dear. 

We went to Malacca to find Michelle and...

her new born baby, Tan Meng Yi. 

Spent 2 days and 1 night there. 

A very precious days together with dear...

But happy moment always pass really fast.

Has back to home now.

Got to continue with my report. 

Has late to hand in. 

Hope won't affect my marks.

Very lazy...

Anyway, I still think that is worth.

Nothing more important than dear.

Can spend the time with dear bring my days become brighter.

Every minutes and seconds with dear is so meaningful.

Sounds so useless like I can't live without dear.

But in fact, I really can't live without dear already...

What is love for me?

I always wondering what is love.


When a couple are in love, 
all they can see are the best of each other. 
When one or both the couple have boring to each and another, 
then all the good values that they treasured about each other last time become bad. 


A boy and a girl don't need any reason 
when they wanted to get together. 
But he/she will have thousands of excuses 
when wanted to break up. 


A couple, who is very loving when together 
can become enemy after break up. 
Love is really something that make people looking forward for it 
and also afraid of at the same time. 


It's a most fearful game in this world. 
Once you involve in it, 
you are addicted and bond with it. 
You may feel like blossom flowers 
and "injured" yourself during this game. 
Even if you feel like want to come out from it or stop the game, 
it is also never be the easy thing. 
Even it is such a scary game, 
but humans never be afraid to play this game.


I always believe that humans are actually a piece with their partner, 
but God has apart them. 
So, what they need to do during their lifetime are to find their partners, 
another part of them. 
The lucky ones may just try once, and they found it. 
Some may need to find few times, 
years or decades before they can found another part of themselves. 
Some, who are the unlucky ones may
not found their partner until their last breathe. 
This is the tale that I always believe in. 


Sometimes, there may be wrong 
and that's why break up and divorce happen. 
That's why people said, 
we will never know are we really happy in our life 
until our last breathe. 
Yes, you may feel happy today, this hour, this minute or this second, 
but you may not the next day, next hour, next minute or next second. 
None of us know what will happen in the future. 
This is why you can't shout out loud 
that you are happy in your life 
because there may be "something" happen in the next second 
may change your whole life. 


Life is so mystery. 
And because of this also, 
it make our life so different, 
wonderful, 
full with surprises and enjoyable. 


What the meaning of life if 
we know what will happen in the next second? 
Happiness is not granted. 
I should have learned to appreciate everyone 
and everything around me 
because I do not know when is the time that
I need to leave them...

Deep in my heart...

Thought can go find dear at Ipoh during this weekend. But couldn't make it since have date with friends and we have planned it since last month. Because can't turn down friends again, so I got to disappoint dear. Dear is very important but friends are same important too. Without them, I would not have today. Days without love from parents, friends are the one who give me support, love and help. Without them, I might have commit suicide as I once thought when secondary school time. A very stupid thought though. But it was a very tough days. Most of the people around me have a very great and considerable parents, and even dear. Who actually understand what I have went through? Yes, they brought me to this world, they give me foods and shelter, they let me study. I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more. But what I need the most are their love and attention, and I really think this is not too much from a daughter. How I wish I could have my own children and I will love them all I could. 

Suffocate...

Tears can't stop dropping when msg with dear this afternoon. Not because fight with dear but because mom suddenly ask me what she did and make me angry with her for so long. I did not angry with her or anybody. It's just that I don't feel like talk to them anymore. Every time when I try to nice to them, then something bad sure happen. I'm sick with all that. I had enough of that. Actually, I'm the one who don't know what I did wrong and make them hate me so much. Because of me also, they never like dear. It's all because of me and dear has to get all this treatment. I really feel very bad to dear. His parents have been so nice to me, but what he get from my parents? When I talked to dear the other day, suddenly I remembered how my parents told me not to tell them what happen in school. I was only in primary school that time. I just wanted to share what I experienced in school, and I think most of the children do so with the parents. But what I get from my parents was don't tell them, they do not want to know. Since that time, I never tell them anything in my heart. But this is totally different with brother. He does not like to tell what happen in school, but parents always wanted to find out and always ask him. This is the difference of treatment to a son and to a daughter in my home. It seems like a daughter is not human and not born by them. I always ask myself last time, if they really do not like me so much, then why they bring me to this world. I never ask for all this. I did think of commit suicide when I was in secondary school, but I was so timid and not brave enough to do so. Until I get to know dear, I really appreciate my life with someone who appreciate and love me so much. This is the feeling that I never have before I know dear. But I'm so depress now for can't see dear. I told dear today if I commit suicide, then he has to life happily as he does now. I feel suffocate living in this house... 

Depress...

Dear has finally attended his graduation. I have also spent 2 precious days with dear and his family. It was so great and wonderful until I feel like it was a dream. Dream will end and I will have to wake up at the last, where weekend will also end and I need to back to home. I cried when back to home. Suddenly I realize that last time when I just started my ECD course and move to hostel, I also can only see dear once a week, but I never feel that depress. Its the totally the different story now. I'm so depress for can't see and hug dear everyday. Dear becomes more and more important to me. I'm not sure is this good or bad. Dear's dad tries to get a job for him and it is at Australia. I wish dear could get it. Dear will has a really high paid job and bright future if he can get it. But even he is at Rawang now, I already feel so depress. What will happen to me if dear work at Australia? I think this do bother dear as well. I'm so sad that I have become a burden to dear. What happen to my life? Why everything become upside down. How I wish everything can back to one or two years ago when dear and I still staying in TBR, when I can see and hug dear everyday and every night. I love dear too much too much...

Very far...

My head very painful. Feel like gonna sick. But when I told this to dear, he said even so I still can go out with my friends, so should be not very serious. This is how a bf shows his concern to his gf, who told him that she gonna sick? Not only head is pain, but my heart is even more painful. Has been fought with dear for few days. Suddenly, feel that two of us are being far apart. Not only our body, but also our heart. 

AAAHHHHHH!!!

AAAHHHHHH!!! The promotion to Korea has fnished The price has increased. My dreams is gone too. Damn it. Thought can go to Korea. So sad. What the most sad is that when I complain that I'm tired to dear, he doesn't show any concern and keep saying that he is tired too. Then, now he left me alone and sleep. He won't sleep until I'm no longer angry last time, but now everything has changed. Can we stay together forever as we hope for all this while? Can we?

I need MONEY...

Today is a good day. Still got another 18 days is dear's graduation. I have started to prepare. Bought him a graduation gift today. Thought of make him a card after this. But my time is really tight. Hope can make it. Got to save money after this as I have spent a lot to prepare dear's graduation and Sarah just message me and said that there is a promotion from Air Asia. There are tickets to Korea, where two ways is only RM200++. WOW!!! Really got to save save save from today onwards...

Nightmare has started...

Dear went to outstation again after came back from Johor for a couple days. So tiring. Dear got to work more than 12 hours in 7 days a week when outstation. Except than feel tired for him, I can do nothing. I'm so useless. And now even myself the one who fall sick first. Whole body feel so painful. Let dear worry. But dear keeps asking me to sleep and avoid talking to me in phone really make me angry. If really want me to stay so far from dear, I think no need wait till 4 years. Everything may have changed after 1 year. I'm very scare. It's seems like nightmare has started since I move back to home, since dear started to work at Rawang. 

Who am I to them?

After so long, the same things still happen. They still discriminate dear. What not good with dear? He just came to stay a night here. If we have other choice, he wouldn't want to stay here too. He staying at Rawang now. How he got to go back after goes out with me? Why are they forcing me like this? I just when out a Sunday that day. Mom said after a week that if dear is around, I have surely went out. I just went out a Sunday, why should she say me like this? She say nothing when sis went out every week last time, but it's totally different story to me. I'm nobody in front of parents compare to sis and bro. Am I their daughter? 

Will gone crazy soon...

Really hate myself sometimes. Always being not patience and hot-tempered. Just want to chat with dear but end up fight with him. Didn't see him for a week already. I know I should appreciate the time with him even just on the phone, yet just can't stop myself from angry with him. After a moment, when I think back, myself will wondering too why am I angry with him. Not his problem of course. What happen to me? Having multiple personality? Will gone crazy soon. Or  maybe I am already crazy...

Headache...

Dear goes to outstation again. Goes to Johor this time. This trip will take another week. Just back from Ipoh for 4 days, and he got to go for another trip. Heartache seeing dear so tired. Really rather dear can get the job at Perlis. Chances to see him may be lower if he work at Perlis, but at least I know he can sleep well and eat enough when stay at house. Got his mother to take care of him is better than he got to travel here and there. Then, he also no need also think of save money and doesn't want eat. But now even see dear once a week also miss dear so much. What will happen if can only see dear once a month? Hmmm. Headache...

How long can I stand?

Travel to work everyday and miss dear make me feel really tiring. This may last for few years before I can get away from this problem. Even just few days, few months, it is enough to take away my life. What should I do? I'm really exhausted with what I'm doing everyday now...

Disappointed...

That day dear said he will be back tomorrow, then we can meet. I was so happy and waiting for the second we can meet. It has been a week plus since the last time I met dear. But everything turned to be a dream after he called and said he can't be back tomorrow because there will be a meeting. When will I be able to meet dear? Miss him so much so much...

What can I say?

Already a week didn't see dear. And what I get from dear's mouth is that he might got to work at Perlis. Dear ask my opinion. What can I say? Ask him to choose between his future and I? Ask him to choose between his parents and I? His parents have brought him up, while I just a girl that he knows for 4 years. If he choose me and not his parents, I wouldn't want guy like this too. But of course dear not people like this. So, what more can I say? Do I have any choice other than support him?  

First day...

I never know that love can be so scary. Because of love, someone can change the physical appearance. Because of love, someone try to be patience. Because of love, mind can't stop thinking of him. Don't dare to let myself have free time. When I'm free, mind will full with him. Can't stop thinking of him. Very miss dear...