Bad day...

Volcano has burst out finally. My limit has hit the maximum level. I have finally threw everything out of my heart today. I can stand whatever she said about me. But not when it involve dear. I will surely going to be punished by God for my rudeness. But I really cannot stand that anymore. I was just spoke out my mind. She apologized to me. But can I forget everything? Can I treat as nothing happen after she has dig a hole in my heart? Heart is bleeding. It is very painful. Tears also cannot stop flowing out.Dear ask me to control my mind, and not my mind control me. Everything seems very easy when we say it, but hard when we want to do it. Can anybody stand the pain like this? Who can really understand what I am feeling now if that person never face it before? What means sis's bf is good while my bf is lousy? How am I going to face dear? His parents treat me so nice and this is what he should get from my family? His parents must hate me if they found out this. He is also like a pearl in his parents' heart. Yet become just like a grass in front my family. They can step as they like? He is my bf. The time I together with him more than any of them do. Will they understand him more than I do? They are not fit to criticize him. I can be patient no matter what they say or scold about me. But the target can never be dear. He done nothing wrong. If not because of dear, I have gone worse. I have fought with them very long time ago. Why they did not see the good in dear, and simply judge him? I really feel so bad to dear. If he did not be an item with me, he need not to stand all this. I really feel so shameful to his parents. They treat me so nice, yet my family treat their precious son like nothing. My heart very painful...

A cruel punishment...

It's really something cruel to hear a mother to say they are not a family because of a trip. It's not that I don't wan to follow, but I really do not wish to go for a "family trip" with an outsider. Addition, there are a lot of things waiting for me to do. It's my mid term next week, but I haven't study till now. I really do not have the mood. How can I have mood when heard something like that from my own mother? Dear keep on asking me not to be sad. So, I threw back a question to dear and asked him, will he feel sad if his mother told that to him? He was silent. Who can actually treat like nothing happen after heard that phrase from own mother? And this is not the first time. I cried. Every time when it comes to my mind, my will tears drop. Am I that not worth to be loved? Did I done something so wrong and deserve all this as a punishment? I would really rather stay alone at rental house than come back to home that full with people but without love...

Day 8th...

Day 8th after dear goes back to hometown...

Time pass really slow without dear. I just like lost my direction and don't know what I should do. Everything seems to be so messy. I used to the life with dear. I used to rely everything on dear. I used to seek dear's opinion in everything. I used to do everything with dear's presence. Dear is just so important for me. Till i feel like everything is given and forget to be grateful and appreciate what I have sometimes. Ya. I still can call and message dear. We still under the same sky, same world, same country. Is just that not the same state. Want to reach dear also not that hard. But I can't feel dear, can't touch dear, can't smell dear, and also can't hug dear. There are movies when heroin miss hero till see people around her like the hero. I felt so funny last time and thought all this will not happen in real life. But it has really happen to me last few days. I was waiting bus and I started to see everybody there looked like dear. Unbelievable? Ya. Even dear also thought I was kidding when I told this to him. I really miss dear till gonna crazy...

At least I am being cared

Many people feel that sickness is something very painful and suffer. It is the other way round for me. Sick is the time when I can get attention, love and care from my parents. People may say there is no parent, who do not love and care their own child. I agree with that but my parents will not really show their love until when I am sick. Maybe I should say that their attention and care fall more on my younger brother. Well, this is what usually happens to Chinese families. Son is always more precious than daughter. I never feel sad that I am a girl yet I am really lucky because at least I am not disable. I will make sure that they will see me and proud to have a daughter like me in one day..

A boring festival

Today is Mooncake Festival but it is not a good day for me as dear is not here to celebrate with me. It has been 2 days since dear has gone back to hometown. When dear is here, i used to fight with him. But when dear is not here, i feel so lonely. Sounds so funny. Maybe this is what people always say, people always don't appreciate what are around them. I take everything too granted. Happiness is not granted. I should have to learn to appreciate instead of asking for more and more. Still left 20 days before dear come back. This will be really a hard time for me. Has nobody to talk to at home. College is full with back stabbers and gossipers. Secondary school friends and TARC friends are all busy with their own lives. Dear really plays a very important role in my life. He not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend. Without him, i really don't know to whom I can talk to when I have any problem. Hope the coming 20 days can pass really soon...