I am so tired...

Breathing has suddenly become so difficult to me. My heart feels so painful. Eyes is so swollen after cried for 4 days. I really hate people point to my nose and scold me with something that I never do before. Dear keep persuading me that his brother does not know anything that his girlfriend did to us. But the truth has showed me that he know everything. He surely at his girlfriend's side. He said just "treat as" that is their fault and he willing to apologize to me. What means by "treat as"? If that is their fault, means that is. If that is not their fault, means that is not. There is nothing "treat as" in my dictionary. Furthermore, apologize is not what I want to hear. I just want dear's brother listen to what his "lovely" girlfriend had did to his own brother, my boyfriend. But he refused to hear. He said what is passed, is passed. He does not what to mention anymore. He does not want to mention anymore or he afraid to know his girlfriend's real face behind her mask. Their action are so sickening. They even message and "sincerely" apologize to us. I do not need all that. They blamed dear for being rude and slammed the door when the first time she went to their house. Even dear has forgot about this. Dear just woke up that time. They want him to laugh like crazy when he just woke up? I bet if they can do it. His girlfriend complained about my dear in front of me. I had apologize to her on dear's behalf because do not want to bring that problem so serious. That incident had happened 3 years ago and she still angry with it. Unbelievable? I gave her a present when her birthday last year. She just said, "Oh" instead of say thanks. But I am really fine with all that until his girlfriend watched movie in the brothers' room and on the volume till so loud till dear could not concentrate and study, and dear end up had to study in my room. I had been really patience all this while because I do not want to put dear into a hard situation, and this is all what I get. They shoot everything back to us. They blamed dear for being rude, and slammed the door. They blamed dear for take knife when fought last time. This had happened decade before and yet still got such people and still keep it in heart. But we know that dear did the wrong first, so we did apologize too. What else they want from us? They even blamed me for complaining in my facebook. Hey! That is my facebook profile. I have the right to write anything I want. I did not add any of them, and I also did not wrote their name. What for they being so excited and admitted that? And I do not welcome them to my facebook also. He said I am rude to say all this to people? Why he so scare when I am just there to tell the truth? He said those comments from my friends who backup me is over. Of course my friends will backup me. She is the one who did it wrong, and I cannot control what people want to comment. And all this is none of their business. His girlfriend wrote on facebook to complain about me, nothing is wrong. But when I wrote to complain in facebook, that is my fault. His girlfriend is human and I'm not? His girlfriend has freedom to talk and I do not have? What kind of earth are they in? They even blamed me for promised to stay with the girl, but did not make it. It happen 1 year ago. i wished to move out so much also. But mom did not let me to that time, and forced me to stay at hostel. I explained to his girlfriend that time. She said it is fine, and never mind that time. And now she wants to take everything out to complain? They have no better excuses for their bad attitude, so take everything out to blame dear and I? Then, they message dear and I, it said they did not put all that in heart anymore and do not understand why we still mention about it, and sincerely apologize to us. After they had done so much of things to us, this is what they means by they did not put it in heart anymore. This is to show how nice they are and how stupid am I? Should I be happy that my mom did not let me move out that time, so I need not to stay with such person. They are so fake. Should I be happy that my boyfriend is dear and not the brother? He is so "blind". I can stand everything she did to me, but I cannot stand when she did that to dear over and over. i really cannot stand when people bully someone I love, no matter is dear or my mom. I am so tired together with dear. Not because of dear is bad, but he is just too nice. Everybody wants to bully him, no matter my sis or his brother and his girlfriend. Break up this word comes to my mind sometimes, but I really do not want to let dear go just because of all this people. But until when I can stand all this? I really do not know. Love is really something very sweet, and sad at the same time.

Bad day...

Volcano has burst out finally. My limit has hit the maximum level. I have finally threw everything out of my heart today. I can stand whatever she said about me. But not when it involve dear. I will surely going to be punished by God for my rudeness. But I really cannot stand that anymore. I was just spoke out my mind. She apologized to me. But can I forget everything? Can I treat as nothing happen after she has dig a hole in my heart? Heart is bleeding. It is very painful. Tears also cannot stop flowing out.Dear ask me to control my mind, and not my mind control me. Everything seems very easy when we say it, but hard when we want to do it. Can anybody stand the pain like this? Who can really understand what I am feeling now if that person never face it before? What means sis's bf is good while my bf is lousy? How am I going to face dear? His parents treat me so nice and this is what he should get from my family? His parents must hate me if they found out this. He is also like a pearl in his parents' heart. Yet become just like a grass in front my family. They can step as they like? He is my bf. The time I together with him more than any of them do. Will they understand him more than I do? They are not fit to criticize him. I can be patient no matter what they say or scold about me. But the target can never be dear. He done nothing wrong. If not because of dear, I have gone worse. I have fought with them very long time ago. Why they did not see the good in dear, and simply judge him? I really feel so bad to dear. If he did not be an item with me, he need not to stand all this. I really feel so shameful to his parents. They treat me so nice, yet my family treat their precious son like nothing. My heart very painful...

A cruel punishment...

It's really something cruel to hear a mother to say they are not a family because of a trip. It's not that I don't wan to follow, but I really do not wish to go for a "family trip" with an outsider. Addition, there are a lot of things waiting for me to do. It's my mid term next week, but I haven't study till now. I really do not have the mood. How can I have mood when heard something like that from my own mother? Dear keep on asking me not to be sad. So, I threw back a question to dear and asked him, will he feel sad if his mother told that to him? He was silent. Who can actually treat like nothing happen after heard that phrase from own mother? And this is not the first time. I cried. Every time when it comes to my mind, my will tears drop. Am I that not worth to be loved? Did I done something so wrong and deserve all this as a punishment? I would really rather stay alone at rental house than come back to home that full with people but without love...

Day 8th...

Day 8th after dear goes back to hometown...

Time pass really slow without dear. I just like lost my direction and don't know what I should do. Everything seems to be so messy. I used to the life with dear. I used to rely everything on dear. I used to seek dear's opinion in everything. I used to do everything with dear's presence. Dear is just so important for me. Till i feel like everything is given and forget to be grateful and appreciate what I have sometimes. Ya. I still can call and message dear. We still under the same sky, same world, same country. Is just that not the same state. Want to reach dear also not that hard. But I can't feel dear, can't touch dear, can't smell dear, and also can't hug dear. There are movies when heroin miss hero till see people around her like the hero. I felt so funny last time and thought all this will not happen in real life. But it has really happen to me last few days. I was waiting bus and I started to see everybody there looked like dear. Unbelievable? Ya. Even dear also thought I was kidding when I told this to him. I really miss dear till gonna crazy...

At least I am being cared

Many people feel that sickness is something very painful and suffer. It is the other way round for me. Sick is the time when I can get attention, love and care from my parents. People may say there is no parent, who do not love and care their own child. I agree with that but my parents will not really show their love until when I am sick. Maybe I should say that their attention and care fall more on my younger brother. Well, this is what usually happens to Chinese families. Son is always more precious than daughter. I never feel sad that I am a girl yet I am really lucky because at least I am not disable. I will make sure that they will see me and proud to have a daughter like me in one day..

A boring festival

Today is Mooncake Festival but it is not a good day for me as dear is not here to celebrate with me. It has been 2 days since dear has gone back to hometown. When dear is here, i used to fight with him. But when dear is not here, i feel so lonely. Sounds so funny. Maybe this is what people always say, people always don't appreciate what are around them. I take everything too granted. Happiness is not granted. I should have to learn to appreciate instead of asking for more and more. Still left 20 days before dear come back. This will be really a hard time for me. Has nobody to talk to at home. College is full with back stabbers and gossipers. Secondary school friends and TARC friends are all busy with their own lives. Dear really plays a very important role in my life. He not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend. Without him, i really don't know to whom I can talk to when I have any problem. Hope the coming 20 days can pass really soon...

1st time blogging...

Finally, I have created my own blog. Wish to create one for a long time but I was so lazy and busy to do so. I have my 1 week semester break now, and today is also dear and my anniversary of 41 months. What a great day. So, I decided to create this blog on this memorable day. Hope that I will not neglect this blog when my new semester has start. As I always love to do last minute work and always busy with my assignments when the deadlines are near. Hope I can change even just a little bit in the new semester...