Suffocate...

Tears can't stop dropping when msg with dear this afternoon. Not because fight with dear but because mom suddenly ask me what she did and make me angry with her for so long. I did not angry with her or anybody. It's just that I don't feel like talk to them anymore. Every time when I try to nice to them, then something bad sure happen. I'm sick with all that. I had enough of that. Actually, I'm the one who don't know what I did wrong and make them hate me so much. Because of me also, they never like dear. It's all because of me and dear has to get all this treatment. I really feel very bad to dear. His parents have been so nice to me, but what he get from my parents? When I talked to dear the other day, suddenly I remembered how my parents told me not to tell them what happen in school. I was only in primary school that time. I just wanted to share what I experienced in school, and I think most of the children do so with the parents. But what I get from my parents was don't tell them, they do not want to know. Since that time, I never tell them anything in my heart. But this is totally different with brother. He does not like to tell what happen in school, but parents always wanted to find out and always ask him. This is the difference of treatment to a son and to a daughter in my home. It seems like a daughter is not human and not born by them. I always ask myself last time, if they really do not like me so much, then why they bring me to this world. I never ask for all this. I did think of commit suicide when I was in secondary school, but I was so timid and not brave enough to do so. Until I get to know dear, I really appreciate my life with someone who appreciate and love me so much. This is the feeling that I never have before I know dear. But I'm so depress now for can't see dear. I told dear today if I commit suicide, then he has to life happily as he does now. I feel suffocate living in this house... 

Depress...

Dear has finally attended his graduation. I have also spent 2 precious days with dear and his family. It was so great and wonderful until I feel like it was a dream. Dream will end and I will have to wake up at the last, where weekend will also end and I need to back to home. I cried when back to home. Suddenly I realize that last time when I just started my ECD course and move to hostel, I also can only see dear once a week, but I never feel that depress. Its the totally the different story now. I'm so depress for can't see and hug dear everyday. Dear becomes more and more important to me. I'm not sure is this good or bad. Dear's dad tries to get a job for him and it is at Australia. I wish dear could get it. Dear will has a really high paid job and bright future if he can get it. But even he is at Rawang now, I already feel so depress. What will happen to me if dear work at Australia? I think this do bother dear as well. I'm so sad that I have become a burden to dear. What happen to my life? Why everything become upside down. How I wish everything can back to one or two years ago when dear and I still staying in TBR, when I can see and hug dear everyday and every night. I love dear too much too much...

Very far...

My head very painful. Feel like gonna sick. But when I told this to dear, he said even so I still can go out with my friends, so should be not very serious. This is how a bf shows his concern to his gf, who told him that she gonna sick? Not only head is pain, but my heart is even more painful. Has been fought with dear for few days. Suddenly, feel that two of us are being far apart. Not only our body, but also our heart. 

AAAHHHHHH!!!

AAAHHHHHH!!! The promotion to Korea has fnished The price has increased. My dreams is gone too. Damn it. Thought can go to Korea. So sad. What the most sad is that when I complain that I'm tired to dear, he doesn't show any concern and keep saying that he is tired too. Then, now he left me alone and sleep. He won't sleep until I'm no longer angry last time, but now everything has changed. Can we stay together forever as we hope for all this while? Can we?

I need MONEY...

Today is a good day. Still got another 18 days is dear's graduation. I have started to prepare. Bought him a graduation gift today. Thought of make him a card after this. But my time is really tight. Hope can make it. Got to save money after this as I have spent a lot to prepare dear's graduation and Sarah just message me and said that there is a promotion from Air Asia. There are tickets to Korea, where two ways is only RM200++. WOW!!! Really got to save save save from today onwards...

Nightmare has started...

Dear went to outstation again after came back from Johor for a couple days. So tiring. Dear got to work more than 12 hours in 7 days a week when outstation. Except than feel tired for him, I can do nothing. I'm so useless. And now even myself the one who fall sick first. Whole body feel so painful. Let dear worry. But dear keeps asking me to sleep and avoid talking to me in phone really make me angry. If really want me to stay so far from dear, I think no need wait till 4 years. Everything may have changed after 1 year. I'm very scare. It's seems like nightmare has started since I move back to home, since dear started to work at Rawang. 

Who am I to them?

After so long, the same things still happen. They still discriminate dear. What not good with dear? He just came to stay a night here. If we have other choice, he wouldn't want to stay here too. He staying at Rawang now. How he got to go back after goes out with me? Why are they forcing me like this? I just when out a Sunday that day. Mom said after a week that if dear is around, I have surely went out. I just went out a Sunday, why should she say me like this? She say nothing when sis went out every week last time, but it's totally different story to me. I'm nobody in front of parents compare to sis and bro. Am I their daughter?